my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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