Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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