What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
