Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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