What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
