I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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