I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
