I can text with my tongue
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
