Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
