And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
