Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
