he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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