her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
