I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
