eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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