im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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