so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
