Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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