that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
