You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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