"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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