the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
