Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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