i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
