I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
