the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
