If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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