i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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