If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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