note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
