cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
