I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
