Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
