there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
