i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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