on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
