is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
