wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
