no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
