why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
