I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
