why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
operation have a gay friend backfired
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
