I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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