I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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