Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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