Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
