the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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