He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
