I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
