i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
