Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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