Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
