We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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