Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
